About one year ago I was trolling my Twitter feed when I came across an old article from June of 2013 by Frederick E. Allen at Forbes titled “Cat Beats Professionals at Stock Picking”. In this article, Allen tells of an experiment conducted in the UK by The Observer where a house cat named Orlando was pitted against some of the best fund managers in the country for a stock-picking contest.
Orlando won. Big.
This news was covered far and wide by the financial press, but somehow, most investors missed it.
To quote a Guardian article on the same topic.
“Each team invested a notional £5,000 in five companies from the FTSE All-Share index at the start of the year. After every three months, they could exchange any stocks, replacing them with others from the index. By the end of September the professionals had generated £497 of profit compared with £292 managed by Orlando. But an unexpected turnaround in the final quarter has resulted in the cat’s portfolio increasing by an average of 4.2% to end the year at £5,542.60, compared with the professionals’ £5,176.60.”
As an entrepreneurial team, we know how important it is to seize on an opportunity when it presents itself, and this article gave us an idea.
A big idea.
What if we could harness the stock-picking powers of the average house cat to beat the market for our customers?
Today, we here at TrendSpider are proud to announce a new Stock Picking service powered by Feline Actuated Intelligence, or f-AI for short.
This revolutionary new stock-picking service uses the raw computing power of hundreds of normal house cats to identify the best stocks for you to blindly buy today.
Here’s how it works.
In our f-AI “core processing center” we employ over 300 cats, all supervised by Dr. Logan Mustafalies, Ph.D., an American longhair cat with a Ph.D. in economics from Harvard. Dr. Mustafalies oversees a catnip team of feline analysts who feed their stock selections into a powerful AI system known as MEOW.
MEOW then ranks the stock picks by the success rate of the feline analyst and various other technical criteria to spit out the EXACT STOCKS YOU SHOULD BLINDLY BUY RIGHT NOW.
These stock picks are live-streamed to dozens of trading rooms around the country.
Being a very high-end, enterprise-class service, f-AI-powered stock selection is not cheap. So far, we have a dozen clients, mostly large international hedge funds and private equity firms that utilize our powerful f-AI stock selection technology to beat the market 100% of the time, without ever losing money, even on a single trade.
“This is meow-riffic,” said Franklin D. Wandtoy, director of market analysis and trading operations for a global hedge fund with over $10 billion in assets under management. “I’ve literally been able to fire all my analysts and traders, saving a ton of money. These kitties are crushing the market like a mouse!”
The TrendSpider team isn’t finished here. Now that we have perfected the world’s most powerful stock-picking AI using the raw computing power of the housecat, we are working on other uses for the housecat’s magical problem-solving capabilities, including designing interstellar space ships, calculating the full digits of PI, and predicting the weather with perfect accuracy.
Stay tuned for more! And happy trading 🙂